Monday, July 19, 2010

Missing My Emotions

…staring at nowhere with an empty mind. Trying my very best to process every bit of everything that comes to my head…but I feel numb…As I go deeper to search for an answer, it just gets worst – silence, bare everywhere…

I am missing something…

How I missed smiling for every ‘happy’ day. Not because I need to or I have to. Not because I need to do it as a requirement of my job - believing people in every seminar / talk I gave to them. Not because I have to, just to end any conversation. Not because I need to, to let people know that I’m feeling perfectly okay. How I missed smiling, simply because on the thought of “enjoying life”; simply because of the time spent with friends at coffee night out after a long and tiring day; simply because of the warm hugs and kisses from my kids before they go to school; or simply because of a kiss from a loving husband.

How I missed to laugh… Laughing together with true friends and not with some two-faced people. Laughing on every silly story shared by my children and not on the silly act a mommy could do for the sake of their kids. Laughing on every mistake and learned from it. Laughing in reminiscing the past rather than forgetting about it. How I wish I could laugh once more not for the purpose of showcasing my strength in times of intense difficulties but because I know in my heart that I am stronger than any storms that comes my way.

How I wish I could slap enemy’s face when I get angry, instead of just smiling and pretending that nothing happened to us. How I wish I could say every point I have to prove my worth in the professional world I am into right now. How I wish I have all the strength to walk out and go to an isolated place and shout my anger to all the people that caused me hurt. How I missed to exchange chilli words to each and every person trying to pull me down. How I wish I could freak out with anger in times of misapprehension, instead of just being quiet to avoid any spark of confrontation in front of my children.

How I missed to cry. Crying out loud without even thinking who will be hurt if I do this once more. How I missed to cry over on a friend’s shoulders, feeling the gentle tap on your back and ensuring you that everything will be alright. How I missed to cry when everything I see seems hopeless for me…. How I missed bursting my tears into joy every time I feel the security in me.

Past emotions. Elapsed feelings.